So my point is, is this really that important??? Does the gay community not have enough to complain about? As a person who knows gay people and feel that they do deserve the same rights as everyone else, I feel that this is really stupid. I use this phrase and it’s not like I mean it as a derogatory statement. I also really don’t feel they need to waste money making these commercials, because all it has done is made me want to use the phrase more, because that commercial is fucking gay!!! I am pretty sure if there are people out there like me they will start using the phrase more just to spite the commerical makers.  So Gay community, find something else worthing bitching about. Thanks!

Although this year, I had a hard time really enjoying myself. I couldn’t help but feel numb in a sense, it’s hard to describe. I appreciate everything I got, and got everything that I had asked for, but it just wasn’t as fun as I wish it would have been. One reason is my older brother wasn’t able to make it home because his son was born prematurely in November and he was just able to come home from the hospital and they really can’t take him anywhere for awhile because he is so much more prone to illness, and they don’t want to risk the chance of putting him in the hospital again. I don’t blame them for that either, because I want my nephew you live a long healthy life. So it just wasn’t as fun not being able to watch my niece and other nephew open their gifts.

Another reason, I wasn’t as happy this christmas was because yet again, I didn’t have anyone special to share it with. I know, “he” is out there and “he” will come when it is supposed to happen, but I have been single now for two years and my lonliness is really staring to get the better of me. I guess I have my good days and my bad days.

So I am ready for 2008 to end and to start anew in 2009. This will be my year, I can feel it will be much better.

Although, we had a good trip I couldn’t help but be a little depressed seeing all the couples; it made me wish I had someone there to share it with. I know that in good time I will have that special someone, but I can’t help but get impatient at times. Though the thing that bothered me the most was how uncomfortable I was with my weight and how I look. Seeing my skinny cousins in their shorts and looking nice in pictures kind of upsets me, because I am the ONLY one on the Kohls side who has a weight problem and I hate that. My weight issues are apart of the reason I started this blog, I thought if I got things off of my mind I would be able to keep on track once I got started making a change for myself.

The problem is, I don’t know how to get started or to motivate myself. I’ve been told all my life what I should do, eat less and exercise and eat healthier foods, but the thing is I really don’t eat a lot and I am not a big sweet eater. I do, however crave a lot of carbs which aren’t good and eating smart and exercise is easier said than done. See I have lost weight in the past, but by unhealthy measures (i.e. not eating or binging and purging) Yes, I did say purging. I have bulemic off and on since I was 13 and this is the first time I have spoken of it. I don’t know how to stop. There are times when I do good and go for months with out purging and I think I broke myself of the habit, then I get upset or frustrated ( I am an emotional eater too) and I jump right back into those bad habits again.

I also weigh myself everyday, and today was no different and on the scale was the highest number I can remember ever seeing. I am so mad at myself for letting it get so bad and it makes me more frustrated, especially since I will be going on a cruise in April, I would like to have a significant amount of weight off then, and I just don’t know how to start making a change….. to start over.

So my question is how do I break myself of my bad habits, without getting frustrated or bored??

Suggestions will be helpful!

We have had some good times and some bad.
We have had many fights,
But we always found the light.
We have had other people we befriended,
though that eventually ended.
We have had many tears
and shared our fears.
We haven’t had many dates
and never really stayed out late.
I know when you’re feeling down.
To cheer you up, I’ll act like a clown.
We have always been there for each other, too,
And I really appreciate you.
You are my best friend,
And this is one friendship
I don’t want to end.

My day is consumed with thoughts of you
Could what I’m feeling really be true?

Are you the one I’m meant to be with;
or is this craziness a myth?

 With everything I do, I find something to remind me,
of how it’s you I hope it to be.

Talking to you, I don’t feel alone
and I know my heart has grown.

I want you to know I’ll always be here
’cause close to my heart you have grown so dear.

The best days of my life I have yet to see
hopefully with you they’ll catch up with me.

I want to see what we can share
and show you just how much I really care.

I feel so alone,
I feel like no one cares.
I just want to cry, or
Sometimes, I even want to die.
They say they are my friends, but
I don’t think it is to the end.
People think I am happy, but
I am not at all.
I just wish I had someone to call.
People tell me I am pretty, but
When I look in the mirror, all I see is ugly.
Why do I feel this way?
I hope and pray I will see a better day.
I am no one special, just another face in the crowd.
I sit here quiet, but no one hears my screams inside that are so loud.
What plans does God have for me?
Because there is nothing here I can see.

    ….lost with no perception of time in the surrounding silence

    ….lost in the reflection that can’t be recognized

    ….lost in a confused state of mind

    ….lost in deep wounds unable to heal

    ….lost in the struggle to trust completely

    ….lost in the search for the courage to love after the hurt

    ….lost with no sense of self-worth

    ….lost in the wishing for the “one” true love

    ….lost in the everyday chaos of the world

    ….lost in a pool of jealousy of what others have

    ….lost in a constant state of worry

    ….lost in a field of dreams awaiting the light

There!! I can feel it in the distance slowly emerging helping me find the answer I need to feel the joys of life…..

A better day is near and I embrace it, ready to hear and see what plans god has in store for me…….

live~laugh~love

–First: Who else agrees in saying it’s about time OJ gets some jail time, even though he got away with murder, at least he’ll end up in prison, and what is it about celebrities thinking they can get away with anything, seriously, they’re famous, not gods.

–While on the subject of celebrities, why is it almost everyone of them are democrats?? Don’t get me wrong, I as a republican have no problem with democrats, afterall two of my best friends are, but I just want to know where the republican celebrities are and why aren’t they as outspoken as the democratic ones??

   On a brighter note, I was watching “The View” the other day, and they had Patricia Heaton (Debra on “Everybody loves Raymond”) as a guest, She was saying how she campaigned for John McCain, and I was like YES, finally a Republican Celebrity who is speaking up other than Elizabeth Hasselbeck (a View co-host) I gained and enormous respect for her, and she made good points about Barak Obama, she said she thinks he is more the on the conservative side and I agree, and I feel and  I am hopeful that he will do great things for our country.

–And on to the Government, WHY are they using OUR tax money to bail out these Millionaire car dealers?? I am so sick of the government giving away, my money that I litterally work my ass off for, I have a substantial amount of debt that can be paid off, and I don’t expect anyone but myself to pay it off.  I watched  “20/20″ last night, and on the show they were saying how Honda and Toyota aren’t having any trouble building their cars in American and that Honda vehicles are made with better quality, so why are GM, CHRYSLER, and FORD having money troubles?  Since our government is bailing them out are they going to make the same mistakes again? Obviously they don’t know how to manage their money or run their businessess.(Needless to say, my next vehicle will be a Honda)  Also since when is it the governments job to bail out people with their money troubles? Isn’t that getting away from what our founding father’s wanted for America, they wanted a small government, and by there being all these government programs our government is growing, and I really fear that someday our government will be too large and may end up with a WWII type situation. I hope that this fear is wrong!!

—I also think that welfare should be gotten rid of

—-there should be stricter limitations on food stamps, I mean food stamp people eat a lot better than I do. It should only be givin to people who are in dire need, not people who don’t know how to use birth control and have a bunch of kids!!!

—oh maybe give the white people some stuff that that minorities get, and unwed mothers, why do they get the free college, I have done everything right in my life, and have worked since I was 16( I am 25 now) for everything that I have.  Our government really has it backwards!! I just really hope we see some major changes soon!

Let’s see, well I’m a pretty quiet person,but on the other hand I’m very blunt and say pretty much what’s on my mind…I am a virgo and a major perfectionist. I can be bit guarded and have a hard time trusting people….I have pyro tendencies and I’m not so into the bar scene. I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up;  I just know that I love kids and can’t wait to be a mom…Family is the upmost importantance to me. I come from a family of Disney lovers and feel blessed that I grew up in the family and home that I did because there is never a dull moment with them…..I’m living life the best that I can, and am a firm believer in that things happen for a reason.

Last year I was blessed to meet some of the best friends I will ever have, and I don’t know how I ever lived without them in my life.  With them, it’s the first time I don’t feel like I am being judged. I feel like I can just be me and give them all of me, the good and the bad!

I named this site girlconfessions because I will be confessing in my future blogs things about me that most people don’t even know, that I haven’t really been ready for people to know. I will also be posting some of my poetry to help understand me a little better (oh yeah, I write poetry too) lol.

Well I am going to leave it at that for today, be sure to stay tuned and leave me some feedback!

Live~~Laugh~~Love

Always Amanda